Behaving In The Cinema: Here's The Rules...

Hey America! I love your land, and am proud to call it home. Yet I must remonstrate with you, you’ve been pioneers of so much of modern-day life, yet you can’t figure out how to behave in a theater. Fear not, my Anglo-Saxon heritage shall be put to good use here, as I’ve brought with me some easy to follow and adhere to rules for your two hour or so period in your local multiplex.

For many of us, a trip to you local purveyor of popcorn is the welcome respite to a hard week's work; a chance to unwind as a result of the colossal weight of day-to-day life by escaping into a silver-screen world of magic, fantasy or romance. But alas, not all your fellow patrons are in the mood for this type of absolute escapism. No sir; they would rather use the projected beauty of the latest blockbuster or the newest horror tentpole as a somewhat entertaining way of killing a few hours in-between pot-binges- and they aren't even remotely worried about ruining the fun for everyone else. 

With the increase in technology of late, it has become easier and easier to be distracted by every day tasks. Just one more check of Twitter, or Facebook and Instagram (or even the dreaded Snapchat). With this in mind, it appears the cinema goers are forgetting their basic manors whilst in the theater, and are instead behaving as if they are in their front room - in the midst of a "Netflix and chill".

If you're anything like me, going to the movies is like being in church. Well, except what you're praying to is actually real -you can see it for one! Though I'm hardly an expert on approbate behavior whilst in a church, I do know that it would be considered rude and impertinent to disrupt the ongoing proceedings of whomever is in charge by either calling out loudly, playing with your phone or even becoming increasingly intimate with the person next to you. So why do people then think it's okay to behave in such a vulgar and disreputable manor when they're in a movie screen? Do they feel entitled to offer their own brand of director's commentary to the projected story because they've paid $10 for the privilege? Quite simply, it's just plain rudeness, and us cinephiles need to stick together on this. Without sounding to much like a revolutionary, and apologies if my sentiments come close to sounding like a fascist, we need to stand up against this malfeasance and remonstrate with these transgressors by letting them know how to behave. 

Consequently, I've collated a list of punishable behavior in relation to cinema etiquette. Feel free to brandish these monikers about town, or even use them as a piece of advice (or a warning) if you recognize any of your own behavior within the milieu. 

TALKING

Are you the director of this film? I'm sorry, I didn't realize there was an accompanying commentary with this feature. Then why the bloody hell are you dictating your thoughts in the course of the movie in an audible fashion, and distracting the concentration of your fellow movie-goer. Bring a pen and paper with you if you're inclined to comment on a movie in such depth, and then leave your critical rumblings until the post-film visit in the pub. The only reason anyone should ever say anything in a movie theater are in extreme emergencies: a fire, someone's choking or dying. You get the idea. Unless you are vocalizing an emergency situation, don't speak unless of course you are telling someone else to shut the hell up. This type of behavior should be snubbed out as early as possible. I like to take a quick scan of the room upon perching myself on my seat, with the aim of snuffing out any potential saboteurs. Anything than resonates louder than a whisper, give 'em that what for! 

ON THE CELL PHONE

We all love our phones, as it makes life much easier not only to communicate but to receive information about the world. But nower-days phones have transformed from machines that can receive and make calls, to gigantic-autonomous computers that can Snapchat, tweet and who knows what else simultaneously- and some people just can't get enough. Furthermore, it appears the "in-thing" for all cell phones is to produce a Bat-signal beacon of light that illuminates the room as if you're being interrogated by a Nazi-officer. If you can't refrain from adding to your growing social-media presence for the length of a film than you really should seek professional help. I understand people have their phones in case of emergencies, which is why putting it on silent, and if needs be answering the phone in the foyer should be your first thought. The doors aren't locked from the outside people, this isn't the ending of 'Inglorious Basterds". Switch it off please, or I'll do it for you. 

EATING CRUNCHY FOODS 

 Bit peckish before you're film? Feeling a bit snacky? Oh, those Nachos look delicious and I missed my fifth supper tonight, I must have them. I'll stop you right there. I mean, Popcorn is one thing, but chowing down on a plate of nachos, or 3-foot hot-dog during the latest $100 million release isn't what the filmmakers had in mind what they envisaged telling their story. Its up to you if you want to waste your money at the concessions counter on staggeringly inflated sugary foods, but don't even think about eating them during the film. It's very simple, it's called time-management: have something before you go in, remember you're not in your living room, and other people can hear you when you scoff down your bucket of salt. 

GET INTIMATE WITH SOMEONE ELSE

 Believe me, it happens. As the proverbial song by "The Drifters", "Saturday Night At The Movies" goes, "who cares about what picture you see". I do, and I don't want to see or indeed hear you going to town on each other. Sure, going to a film can be the perfect date-night experience, but keep it clean people. Smooching and grievous touching of one another should be wholly discouraged, much like all other forms of public displays of affection. Just because the lights go down is not an invitation for you to canoodle with your betrothed - please get a room. A different one. 

KICK THE CHAIR IN FRONT OF YOU

 Yet more proof of my belief that people treat the theater like their font room, is their treacherous feet-behavior. Resting your sweaty and stinky dogs on the seat in front you, in which a fellow patron is hoping to sit idly and enjoy the film, is clearly wrong and hopefully we all know this. But then there are some cinema goers who take it one step further, and in an attempt to get comfortable, kick and press their feet into your seat. This kind of behavior should be avoided at all costs; much like your hands and your lips in the previous comment, keep your feet to yourselves. 

MAKE OTHER EGREGIOUS NOISES

You'll remember my dogmatic approach to fine dining in the multiplex, well, this perhaps goes without saying, but nothing drives cinema goers more mental than slurping on the bucket o'Coke you've just took a mortgage out on to buy. You're not going to win a stuffed elephant by ingesting every last drop, so don't follow suit by disrupting the story on screen. That goes also for any other egregious sounds eager to distract us; burping, sneezing incessantly, rumbling around in your bag, rustling of chip packets - all of which are invariably audaciously loud and should be refrained from on every level. 

ARRIVE LATE

Even when I'm not referring to cinema etiquette, lateness is my biggest pet-peeve, as it shows poor character and even worse time-management. Arriving late to a film (sometimes people still trundle in twenty-mintues into the film) is a massive disruption to the punctual audience members, and merely serves as a eye-sore to those who were hoping to concentrate on the screen. With the length of the commercials and trailers seen in film's these days, if you're performance starts at 9:40, you've got until 10:00 until the movie starts, so why are you bumbling in at 10:20? Were you hoping to just catch the credits? It's simple, if you're late, go and see something else, or at least come back later. If punctuality has escaped you when you hit the theater, think of the multiplex audience as your not-to-be-distubed father who's on important business call. DO NOT ENTER. 

KEEP SPOILERS TO YOURSELF

 Perhaps the ultimate way to ruin the breathlessness of a cinematic experience is for someone to spoil the plot points for you in a churlish manor. Just think how you would of felt if an acquaintance of you had told you that Bruce Willis is a ghost, or Rosebud is a sledge, or Dil is a bloke. Don't be that guy. 

SIT IN YOUR ALLOCATED SEAT

There's nothing worse than getting to your theater early, picking your favorite seat (in my case as close to the screen as possible) and finding someone who's unable to read their ticket stub and is sat in your seat. More often than not this requires an awkward and unnecessary exchange with them in order to get them to budge. Allocated seating is there for a reason, it keeps proceedings in an order and prevents cinema chains from over-selling. Would you want an overcrowded cinema like an overcrowded plane? Absolutely not, plus some of us like to get their early and pick their preferred seat.  If you going to sit down for two or more hours, you want to be in a seat that suits your comfort zone. Just read your ticket stub, it's not difficult. 

TAKE YOUR TRASH WITH YOU WHEN. YOU. LEAVE

 Once again, the movie theater is not unlike a church to some of us cinephiles - and it certainly  isn't your own bedroom. At home, you can throw about your chip packets until the cows come home, have unfinished drinks haphazardly on your chairs, and leave a parade of popcorn on the floor as if leaving a trail for a wandering child, but in the multiplex you should clean up after yourselves. For one, it's basic manors, and once these types of manors are adopted, others will follow. But also it will prevent further indiscretions, as by leaving your garbage to be cleaned up by the pimply theater usher upon the end of the film, you're keeping him from stopping other cinema patrons from transgressing in any of the ways mentioned above. Be considerate, and don't act like a litter-bug!

 So there you have it; a comprehensive rundown of the biggest infractions perpetrated by the average cinema-goer in 2018. Perhaps some of these resonate with you, or maybe you have others you could recommend .Do get in touch. Of course, back in the UK, the popular squabbling film-critic duo of Mark Kermode and Simon Mayo have adapted a "Code of Conduct" as a guideline to the acceptable behavior in cinemas, of which the video is listed below. Let's work together and make irritating cinema behavior a thing of the past!