The Hurricane Heist (dir. Rob Cohen)

You can’t blame director Rob Cohen for indulging in the so bad it’s good B-movie trash, as franchises such as Sharknado, or even last years Geostorm have proven that you can be both dumb and self-aware simultaneously, and expect audiences to flock in their droves for the latest brainless farce.

Yet Cohen’s “Hurricane Heist” , which is co-written by Jeff Dixon and Scott Windhauser, sets new levels in absurdity with a premise that defies all banality: making the flying sharks of Sharknado and the intergalactic nonsense of Geostorm look like Chaucerian prose. Shot nearly two years ago in the well-known art capital of Europe, Bulgaria, this preposterously mundane and overconfident bilge is stuck between the downright idiotic and the ploddingly dull - cementing it’s place between the hardcore straight-to-dvd market and Fast and Furious fans, and like it’s inclement weather, is nothing but a momentary headache.

A dopey opening sequence introduces us to Alabaman teens Will and Breeze, who are in the midst of escaping hurricane Andrew in the early 90’s - their old man is trying to outrun the impending storm, but having a hard time of it. Unsurprisingly they aren’t able to get away, so soon Dad is catapulted into the heavens as his bickering progeny looks on from the sheltering cabin the shelter themselves in. Twenty five years later - Will (Toby Kebbell) is the genius-level meteorologist, equipped with a U.S government science buggy able to withstand anything the heavens can throw at him, whilst his brother Breeze (Ryan Kwanten) is the local handyman engulfed in the occasional drunken stupor. When a deadly incoming storm hits his local town, Will is forced to return and warn the inhabitants of Guilford before the carnage takes place. In the midst of this, ATF partners Casey (Maggie Grace) and Dixon (Ralph Ineson) arrive with shipment of $600 million dollars worth of soon-to-be shredded cash to a local secured federal location, Casey sets the cash in a locked vault and keeps the pin code to herself, before the inclement weather shuts off the generator - so she heads out to meet up with local handyman Breeze, who has just been reunited after 5 years with his brother. Upon their return however, Dixon has turned rogue and his merry band of goons have held it hostage- hoping to use the ensuing storm as a easy getaway with the cash, but he must find Casie first - who has teamed up with the brothers and will do anything to get in the way of Dixon's impending heist.

The ensuing nonsense has to be seen to be believed; ranging from the downright idiotic, including shootouts in the torrential rain which are as confusing as the robot-fights in Michael Bay’s Transformers series, to hubcap throwing acts of violence - all which test your credulity unlike another film of it’s calibre. When the 18-wheelers chase off against each other as the encroaching hurricane licks at their ankles, you have to laugh to keep from crying. Even if self-aware B-movie trash have a certain self-ironic charm about them, it's far from evident here. Upon exiting the film, i was reminded of it’s closest companions in the annals of disaster movie bilge but there isn’t enough substance here to categorize it as a whole feature - with the resulting nonsense a mashup of Fast and Furious, Twister and Den of Thieves, yet without an inch of their watchable drudgery.

Featuring a mixture of nationalities in the ensemble cast (Kebbell and Ineson are British, Kwanten in Australian) they result in a car crash of twangy and risibly poor southern accents - with Ralph Ineson stock American accent (at one point he says he’s Irish), sounds likes Chappie doing an Elvis impersonation, along with Maggie Grace's wholly unconvincing turn as a supposedly experienced ATF agent (she looks more like a swimwear model) - all of it reeks of self-importance and fails to ever deliver on its most basic desires.

Film’s like this will likely find their niche market upon home viewing, as was this case with Geostorm of last year. Lambasted by the press but fared better during DVD sales - It’s not as easy to merely critically bash B-movie nonsense because of it’s un-cinematic qualities, plenty of this low-budget buffoonery can be pleasantly entertaining in their own way (Geostorm was laugh out loud funny) - but there’s an obnoxious smugness about "The Hurricane Heist's" originality, and Cohen’s direction is so formulaic it hits every clichéd branch on the tree on the way down (ATF agent hoping to save the day after a botched assignment etc). With the overindulgence in un-remarkable CGI reaching a monumental tipping point during it's denouement, you’ll find yourself wanting to grab your coat and find the nearest exit before the storm gets any worse.

Rating 1/5.